Footy

Is it just me getting old or is football not the game it used to be?

Is it because you can access so much football on TV these days that you can get a bit numb? I don’t want to be an old Freddy Fartpants and say that it was better when the only regular full game that you got to see on TV was the FA Cup Final. But my goodness, what a special day that was.

Match of the Day was anticipated with genuine excitement. And that other nonsense with Brian Moore on Sundays when he wittered on about a hurty foot (metatarsals hadn’t been invented then).

Is it because footballers are overpaid prima donnas? You can’t blame them for their wages. If you were offered £300,000 a week, what would you say? Can you blame those who pay the wages? Not really, it’s a competitive world out there and if there continues to be no cap on wages, they will continue to go up. It’s all to do with supply and demand – like everything else. And ‘prima donnas’? Well if you suddenly get hit by such wealth and stardom, you’re bound to go a bit nuts aren’t you?

What cheeses me off more then anything else about today’s game is the cheating and the play acting. And that is done because they can get away with it. The only thing done to combat this was to make it an offence to dive – if the ref sees it. You’re still allowed to express rough man love in the penalty area at corners. You’re still allowed to roll around on the grass with your mouth wide open as if you’ve been snipered when Johnny Leftback makes a comment about your latest hairdo.

If you have the ability to roll, you are not injured. Should be a yellow card you sissy mincy pansy boy. I’m afraid to say that this behaviour is drilled into boys at a young age by their screaming chav relatives on the touchline.

A friend of mine asked me to referee a game for an under 14 team that he ran. The touchline was lined with parents and the abuse that I, and the players, had to put up with was sickening. Fortunately, I’m no shrinking violet and have a large vocabulary and an acid tongue. But I felt so sorry for the kids. None of them looked as though they were enjoying themselves. That was the only game I ever refereed.

If you want to read more on that subject, let me point you to an article that my mate Shanks shared on Facebook – http://mobile.news.com.au/lifestyle/parenting/the-real-reason-why-our-kids-quit-sport/story-fnet08ui-1226645601355

In my 25 years of playing grown up footy, I saw 3 faces that looked anything like the pained expressions that you get every couple of minutes today. One had his shinbone poking out of his thigh, one had his ear all but ripped off and I thought the third one’s boot had come off as it was pointing the wrong way – unfortunately his foot was still in it.

And the problem with England? I’m not even going to bother going there.

And Luis Suarez? STOP BEING A DICK!!!!

Flags

Right, I need some assistance as I think I must be missing something. England car flags. Why on earth are they such a cause for controversy? Is it the flag itself? Is it the way it flaps in the wind? Or is there some higher significance that I don’t understand?

I can’t believe it is the flag itself. Why would people get so wound up when others decide to display their support for their country? The St Georges Cross has been a symbol of England since the middle ages. If there was something wrong with it then surely it shouldn’t have lasted that long.

I’ve read that it can be considered racist to display the England flag in any format. Don’t be so silly. It represents the land of England. If you want to think that it stands for anything more sinister then that’s up to you – but shame on you.

How can the flapping motion upset anyone? It must be a bit annoying if you’re sat in the car, but I can’t see how anybody else would notice it.

‘They look cheap’. So does a vicar’s socks but you don’t punch him in the face because of it.

Brewery Square had an Italian market yesterday decorated with large Italian flags. With England v Italy happening later that day, I worried that this might offend a passing local psychopath but to my knowledge there was no incident. Does this mean that foreign flags are ok?

And what’s with the statements that people who display car flags are low on intelligence, bad drivers, or even people with small genitals? These statements are presented as if they are jokes but how can they be? What is remotely funny about it? What if I started a suggestion that people who wear hats always walk with a limp? I dare say that no-one would repeat it and it wouldn’t go anywhere. So why did the ridiculous slurs against the car flag take off?

If you don’t want to show your support for England by displaying the St Georges Cross from the windows of your Corsa then don’t. But leave off those that want to do it. Grow up and stop being ridiculous.

Embarrassing

I feel it necessary to express my unease at the groundbreaking Channel 4 program known as Embarrassing Bodies. I find the series compelling viewing to feed my need to be astonished about the fact that people are too embarrassed to see their doctor in the privacy of his private surgery but don’t think twice about flashing their deformed genitals to millions of people on national TV.

Last weeks episode had a feature on hernias and they employed the services of a ‘model’. Dr Christian thought it not good enough to indicate on his own clothed body where a hernia might appear but felt he had to point it out on a naked man. They chose a model with zero body fat and a dong from here to next Tuesday. Cue tuneless whistling and staring at the ceiling from the male viewers whilst their female partners waste no time in saying ‘Jeez, I really did draw the short straw’.

‘There’s no shame, we’re all the same’ is the show’s catchphrase. It’s wrong though isn’t it? As far as I know, my rectum does not look like a raw plum, I don’t have penile papules or open sores on the back of my neck

We are certainly not all the same are we Dr Dawn? You, for example have a face like a plastic bag in a fire. And Dr Christian is a self confessed boob dodger and chooses to go on television to prod a naked man right next to his porn grade gentleman’s sausage. I found the whole thing a little unsavoury.